Ryan Giblin: Calling You Out

                                       

A few years back, whenever I had to talk to some asshole in a suit, they liked to say “shoot me a text”. They thought it sounded cool, and full of pep. The reality though is, they sounded like a douche bag on the highest of levels. Yeah bro, I’ll “shoot” that right on over to you. Drop dead already, will you?

Now as I get older and find myself dealing with less corporate monkeys, I’m still getting told to shoot texts. It’s now coming from friends, and I can’t help but wonder how they don’t realize how stupid they sound. They don’t sound any smarter or hip with a younger generation of people. Do they think it shows some kind of dominance? Am I some kind of dog?  They just sound like a bunch of  assholes.  I better hurry up and make sure I get in touch with that guy. 

It’s only males who say this. I’ve never once heard a girl say it. Not business women, bartenders, town whores, fat girls, black girls, asian girls. NO girls. I hope they make fun of dudes who tell them to shoot them text messages. I have a hard time believing these guys are getting laid. I have a hard time believing these guys have any real friends for that matter. Just cut the shit, and tell me to text you, or that you will send me a text. No need to get so fancy, dork.  

                             

I hate reading people write letters like this, from people just as bored as me. 

“dear new jersey nets,please start winning some games. i can’t take watching you lose all season.

thanks,

ryan giblin”

I get it. It’s totally ironic that your writing your wish in the form of a letter, but it’s not actually in an envelope, and your not actually going to the post office, and your not actually expecting a response. So cool. 

Whats even worse, is people writing these letters to things that have no way of reading. i.e. Mother Nature

“dear momma nature,

thanks for raining today, only so i could drop my Newports in a puddle.

jess, from keansburg”

MAYBE, just MAYBE, somebody on the new jersey nets is browsing the internet, and could see the letter to the team, get fired up, and drop 30 points. Chances are basically 0, but it is possible. but letters to mother nature make steam come out of my ears. i just hate the piss poor irony. it’s lack of originality makes me want to barf.

 I mean, christ, how much shit can i complain about that I read on facebook. Anyone with half a brain would tell me to just delete it, but I’m like every other red blooded american and use it to pass way too much time i could spend being productive.

note: while looking for an image to put at the top of this rant, i found this http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/ and i am ready to go completely off the deep end. there is an up to the minute twitter feed of people writing this crap. 

note 2: the picture i ended up finding to put at the top couldn’t be better example of what I’m really getting at here. 

Seriously, I think I know about 4 or 5 different girls who think they are the only ones out there saying “you guys” leading into something relatively witty. Most of your counterparts are saying it to. It doesn’t bring people back to thinking we’re kids.  It doesn’t make me think you’ve got a real original personality or way about you.  It just reminds me of the annoying girl next door. The Kimmy Gibbler type. I’m not too fired up about this. But it’s just real irritating when you see people who all happen to like the same garbage, and dress like the same stay at home mom, start talking to the same way too. You guys.

                         

I got a problem with the term “Man Cave”. Not soooo much what a man cave actually is, but more so, just the name. 

When I hear the term ‘man cave’ I think of a few things

• Actual cave men sitting around drinking Budweiser, watching an Oakland Raiders game. 
• The kind of guy hates his wife but only in front of his friends. At the drop of a hat, that same guy is running to Walgreens at half-time to go buy his fat wife tampons. Maybe calls her “sweety” or “babe” when yelling from the other room for more nachos. fuck outta here.
• I think of what most ‘man caves’ actually are. Busted up garages or gross basements, with some grimey couch that are too gross even for college students in new brunswick. A coffee table only held level because theres some newspapers stuffed under one of the legs. A 3 year old Coors Lite football schedule poster. A surround system with blown out speakers and probably a mouse gnawing on a year old buffalo wing under the couch. 

I don’t mind the idea of having a section of the house set aside strictly for recreation. Wacthning sports, playing pool, maybe a big old school arcade game.  If you have the room and the money for such a thing, then by all means. But what a stupid name for a room.  I just can’t ever see myself saying “yo fellas, why dont you come watch the game in my man cave”. Sounds like rape city.

                                

The old saying really must be true that women don’t dress to look good for guys, they do it to impress women. To be fair, I think the mom jeans thing might be an issue of last year, but just because it’s done (or atleast almost done) doesn’t mean i can’t still hate on it.

Girls in their 20’s across America for some reason thought mega high jeans, an awful wash, and in worst case scenarios; have really odd random gold studs or some trash, were really a good look? What the hell are they thinking? Look at this clown in the picture above. This girls whole outfit needs to be changed, but focus your attention to the mom jeans. When I look at girls in pants like this, I for some reason instantly think of an oversized disgusting hairy box. Totally gross to think about. Nobody wants to go in there. Nobody. 

Moms don’t wear mom jeans because they want to. They wear mom jeans because they have too. Don’t you fools realize that if your mom could walk around town in size 2 skinny jeans(which is a much better look), they would be. They wear these clothes to try and hide. They scream “I had kids. I spend my Saturday nights at bingo, and I’m 100% defeated”. Frankly, if I were a mother, and my babe of a 24 year old daughter came to me and said “hey mom I’m going to brooklyn tonight, lemme borrow your jeans” I’d be insulted. The same daughter she raised, is now wearing her clothes so ironically that they are basically making fun of her. She must be psyched that she squeezed you out.

It’s honestly the most unattractive trend I’ve seen on a girl since they thought it was a good idea wearing DC shoes. Unacceptable.

If you’re a girl wearing mom jeans out this weekend, I strongly urge you to look in the mirror and look at yourself and say “Is this how I really want to go out tonight?” “Do i really like the way i look in this monstrosity of a wardrobe?” “Are these pants going to help me meet Mr. Tonight?”  If the answer is yes, just stay inside. no matter pretty you are, or how good you look when your dressed like a normal human. You look terrible and nobody wants to love you.

Coming soon: the male equivalent to mom jeans. Dudes with mustaches. 

                      

It’s bad enough that I’m looking at picture of your salami sandwich, but do you REALLY need to make it seem like it was taken in 1977? This program and it’s users have cheapened the sentimental value of taking a picture, and just leaving it in a box, and finding it years later, faded.. If you use instagram to make pictures look old and cool, you are an inpatient, superficial asshole.

Just stop already. 

                              

This first post is going out to my girl Lauren Pilla, because she’s the only person I’ve known to really ever publically hate on this expression as well. 

I really want to know what is going on in people’s heads every Sunday morning. How do they not realize what corny dumb asses they sound like? Do they really get that excited about waking up on a Sunday morning, that they feel the need to go update some form of status about it being ‘Sunday Funday’? I feel like the only people who say it are weirdos from highschool named Eileen, or Leo. Stupid names, instantly born with no friends type of people. Their friends now, they either know through work, or from their ugly kids play group.  

Yeah, I get it, Sunday is pretty okay, especially in the fall. You got your NFL, your baseball playoffs, and great shows on HBO. Those are all good things, but the fact of the matter is this, Sundays will always have that feeling of fleeting. It’s all over soon. Like watching a loved one on their death bed, but telling funny stories with your family to try and make it feel okay, but in the back of your mind, you know what’s coming. I don’t care how much ‘fun’ you’re having, you know damn well that what’s in store less than 24 hours from then, is what’s really on your mind. Of course I understand the need to enjoy every last possible minute of free time you can get on the weekend, but there is absolutely no need to heavily embrace it with some stupid catch phrase. What’s changed since we were all kids, and we knew that Sunday was never quite as tasty as Saturday. Growing up, I woke up pissed off on Sundays. I’ll admit that now-a-days it’s not as angry, but it’s without question still there.  

You know what gets me though? It’s people who I think are too smart for ‘Sunday Funday’. People who I think, and pretty much know have a pretty good head on their shoulders when it comes to not sounding like a complete tool. Where did these people with normal names go wrong? Has the world chewed part of their personality and spit it out? You’re better than that.